Laying down the law

ATTENTION TOURISTS: In Charleston it's illegal to punch somebody in the face.

You know, just throwing that out there in case that sort of thing is cool where you're from.

I say this because last week a 50-year-old Florida man was arrested for having an open container of beer in public. When confronted by the arresting officer, his defense, quite understandably, was: "I'm a visitor."

Because in Florida, you don't have to obey the law if you're from out of town.

In light of this logical misunderstanding, I thought I'd take the time to share with would-be tourists and visitors some of the other laws we abide by here in Charleston, just to avoid any further confusion.

For instance, in South Carolina it is illegal to ...

• Hijack a school bus.
• Rob a convenience store.
• Shoot your neighbor.
• Drink and drive.
• Embezzle money.
• Run a red light.
• Yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
• Steal an automobile.
• Eat baby sea turtles.
• Swim naked in a public pool.
• Traffic crack cocaine.
• Mail a pipe bomb.
• Say the phrase, "I wish more people from Ohio knew about Charleston."

But, if for some reason you accidentally slip up and find yourself breaking one of these obscure local laws, here are some lines (besides, "I'm a visitor") that you can try on the police to smooth things over.

Things like ...

"Officer, I just got my wisdom teeth taken out."

"Well, my parents said it was OK."

"I just assumed that 'No U-turn' sign was a joke."

"My buddy dared me to."

"Sorry. I have a sprained ankle."

"No hablo ingles."

"Well, excuse me! It's not like I went to one of those Ivy leaf schools!"

"Look, there weren't any rooms left at the Holiday Inn Express."

Think about it this way, it could be way worse. At least in Charleston we don't have any laws like this (NOTE: I did everything short of research to make sure these laws are indeed real) ...

• In Alaska, if you come across a sleeping bear, you can shoot it but you can't wake it up for the purposes of taking its picture.
• In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
• In West Virginia, a doctor or a dentist can't place a woman under anesthesia without a third party present.
• In Rumford, Maine, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his or her landlord.
• In the state of Georgia, you can't change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are drawn.
• In New Hampshire, it's against the law to sell the clothes you're wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

All of this is exactly why I always vacation in the great state of Florida, where anything is legal.

Except, ironically enough, drinking in public.

Bryce Donovan likes driving his car on the sidewalk just as much as the next guy but doesn't because he respects the law. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com. For more Bryce, check out his blog "The Bryce is Write" or follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.