Are you smart enough to walk a dog?

We've all been there. We do something stupid to injure one of our hands and immediately think to ourselves: "Great. Now how am I going to wipe my butt?"

Wait. What? (Awkward silence.)

Anyway, on Saturday I pulled one of these not-so-brilliant moves while walking our dogs. Now, before I go any further, I should probably explain a few things:

1. Our dogs will chase anything.
2. Especially the ladies. Hey-O!
3. OK, so they tend to prefer the dudes.
4. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
5. We use retractable leashes on our dog walks.
6. I'm an idiot.

With all these facts in hand, how this story unfolds should really come as no surprise: While on one of their daily (read "biweekly") walks, our dogs saw a cat sitting on a front porch and because they are so well-trained and disciplined they naturally ignored it.

Of course I'm only joking. They tore after it like it was a truck carrying Milk Bones that just flipped over. Anyway, my wife, who was holding both of the dogs at the time (yes, my pregnant wife who I make do all the manual labor around our house) wasn't prepared for this so the leashes flew out of her hands. Drawing upon my catlike reflexes (which, sadly, the cat didn't seem to exhibit), I sprung into action, grabbing the black nylon rope-part of the leash as it slid across the grass in front of me. This Top IQ Moment didn't fully register until two seconds later when I felt the intense burning in my fingers. Because physics doesn't care if you're stupid or not, the leash did what it was supposed to and burned through the majority of the skin on several of my fingers. Needless to say, I handled this with the kind of class a soon-to-be father would:

ME: REALLY BAD WORD! (Pause. Look around. See several small children playing in a nearby yard. Whisper same really bad word.

However, being the tough guy that I am, I still managed to keep the dogs from catching the cat. Sure a lot of that had to do with the fact that the cat climbed a nearby tree, but I'd like to think my dog whistle-like shrieks had something to do with it as well. Anyway, this whole idiotic episode got me thinking: Did I ever eat that leftover lasagna in the fridge? As well as: Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to walk dogs.

Which is why I came up with this five-question quiz to determine whether or not you are smart enough to do so. Get those pencils ready ...

QUESTION 1: The leash goes around the dog's:

A. Leg.

B. Groin.

C. Neck.

D. Surfboard.

QUESTION 2: If your dog sees another dog (who is also on a walk) and starts growling and pulling, you should:

A. Say, "NO!" and snap back on the leash.

B. Start laughing to help take the edge off.

C. Tell the other owner, "Sorry. He only does this with ugly dogs."

D. Do the same thing to build his confidence.

QUESTION 3: So your dog has just pooped in somebody's yard. You immediately:

A. Get on the phone and pretend you don't see it happening.

B. Pick it up with one of the bags you're carrying.

C. Try to hide it under one of the political signs in their front yard.

D. Join in.

QUESTION 4: The ideal walking outfit would be:

A. Loose-fitting clothing.

B. A pair of comfortable shoes.

C. Something that will make both my dog and me easily visible to oncoming traffic.

D. It doesn't matter, I look good in everything.

QUESTION 5: Little dog outfits are:

A. Adorable.

B. Worth every penny.

C. The most cruel thing ever devised by man except for maybe thong underwear.

D. Why I got this stupid dog in the first place.

(Answers: 1. C; 2. A (C, if it's SUPER ugly); 3. B; 4. A, B or C; 5. C.)

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF: If you missed one or fewer questions, you are OK to walk a dog. If you missed 2-3, you probably need to watch a few more episodes of "The Dog Whisperer." And if you got more than three wrong, well, you must be my neighbor who always lets his dog, who's dressed in his pink jacket, poop in my front yard.

Full disclosure: I didn't even pass my own test. Which probably shouldn't come as any surprise seeing as I have multiple wounds on my hands. Which reminds me, I sure hope I don't have to go to the bathroom for the next week or so.

For people trying to lose weight, Bryce Donovan has posted pictures of his fingers to his blog, "The Bryce is Write." Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com. Or you can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.