Hail to the cheap

Staring straight up at the splendor that is the Washington Monument, an edifice that took hundreds of men nearly 30 years to build, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell my wife and I were thinking when we decided to have kids. I mean, everywhere you look along the National Mall, they're there. Standing in their stupid sunglasses and hats with flat bills and shirts three sizes too big and hair so long you can't tell if they're a boy or a girl and oh, my God, I've turned into my father.

But be that as it may, the point I'm actually trying to make here is, after spending last weekend in scenic Washington, D.C., I can honestly say that our nation's capital is the ideal vacation spot for anybody who is hard of hearing.

Of course I'm only kidding. Really tall people will love it, too.

The reason it's a great place to visit (despite all the kids who are there on school field trips) is because admission to virtually everything is free. Museums, monuments, zoos, Marion Barry's weekend raves, the list goes on.

And because I'm such a Good Samaritan, I've decided to share with you my must-do District of Columbia tour. Starting with ...

The National Mall.

Even though it's two miles from end to end and doesn't contain one single Banana Republic, it still won't disappoint. In fact, you'd be surprised just how much amazing stuff you can see in one day on foot. I mean, I was with a pregnant wife and I still saw every single significant structure except the Lincoln Memorial, Jefferson Memorial, FDR Memorial, the Holocaust Museum, Vietnam Veterans Memorial, Constitutional Gardens, Reflecting Pool, Korean War Memorial, National Archives and Museum of Natural History. (We saw the Capitol Building and the Washington Monument. Oh, and about 27 different Port-O-Potties.) Which reminds me, if you get hungry along here you're only real option is ...

The National Air and Space Museum.

Where else can you see the Wright Brothers' original flier and pay $12 for a Filet-O-Fish in the same building? In all seriousness, this museum is a great place to experience the wonders of modern aviation while at the same time being reminded how lucky the world is that your wife's friend, Sarah, never became an air traffic controller because according to the flight simulator there she would have killed every single person in every aircraft trying to land at her airport. And once you're done thanking your lucky stars that worked out for the best, you need to see ...

The White House.

Did you know that the name 'White House' actually comes from the fact that it's white in color and the house of the president of the United States? (Awkward silence. Somewhere in the distance a dog barks.)

OK, so I didn't actually see it myself, so I'm just kind of winging it here. But I've been told it is totally worth the half-mile hike off the National Mall to see. So get over there, get your photo, and then head to ...

The Smithsonian National Zoological Park.

Affectionately known as the National Zoo, this 163-acre park boasts everything from giant pandas to small-clawed otters. And if you're lucky like me, a visit to this local treasure might also earn you a glimpse of one of nature's rarest sightings: two mongooses (mongeese?) mounting one another in front of an 8-year-old boy wearing a Ben Roethlisberger jersey. (As much as I'd like to crucify his parents for allowing their son to wear a Big Ben jersey, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume his Michael Vick one was dirty.)

So there it is: your can't-miss Washington, D.C., highlights tour. You'll want to get up there before it gets too hot. You know, on second thought, maybe wait until school's out for summer.

Bryce Donovan also saw CIA Headquarters, where they do all sorts of fascinating stuff like tell you to turn your car around and leave immediately or they'll shoot you. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com. For more, check out his blog, 'The Bryce is Write,' or follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.