X marks the spot (where I quit)

So the other day I got the brilliant idea to get in better shape. Now I'm not talking about the creepy 55-year-old-guy-who-you-can-tell-by-looking-at-his-face-he's-55-but-he's-so-ripped-that-he-actually-has-some-sort-of-freakish-back-abs kind of shape; I'm talking about the more realistic I-don't-want-to-be-the-skinny-white-guy-who-is-thin-all-over-but-somehow-against-all-logic-has-a-hairy-gut kind of shape.

My reasoning: I just turned 36, I've got a son on the way, and how am I supposed to pick up chicks at the beach if I'm fat? Wait. That came out completely wrong. I'm 35.

All kidding aside, exhumed corpses look healthier than I do with my shirt off. So when I mentioned this newfound drive to get in shape to my buddy, Tucker, he said I should try this new workout routine he's being doing and loves called P90X.

Chances are, if you own a TV you know what I'm talking about. On the other hand, if you don't, well then, "Hi, Dad."

Anyway, according to the company that makes P90X: "Trust us, follow our program and we'll have you looking creepy in no time. And if you go the extra step and shave your upper body, get a spray on tan and oil yourself up once you've completed the 90-day program, people will probably call the cops if they see you around kids."

Or maybe that's just what my wife said.

Either way, the minute I got the DVDs from Tucker, I fired them up, got out my weights and pull-up bar, took several deep breaths and then made a sandwich. About a half-hour later (look, I didn't want to get cramps), I finally did the workout, and the results were immediate: I couldn't use my arms for the next three days. But as of this column, I'm on Day 11 and feel great, by which I mean I can now scratch most parts of my body below the armpit (but not for longer than two seconds).

Now for those of you interested in doing P90X, let me tell you: It's more than just weight lifting. In addition to workouts for your chest, back, arms and legs, you've got stuff like:

Plyometrics: This is when you jump all over your living room until you finally break a sweat. And the coffee table.

Yoga: The P90X yoga program prides itself on being the only yoga program that isn't yoga. It's more like, "Hey, let's twist your body into positions it wasn't meant to twist into."

Kenpo: I'm pretty sure they just made this one up, but it's part kicking, part screaming. It's also a sure-fire way to have your neighbors call the cops because they think you're having a domestic dispute.

Core synergistics: I'll admit I haven't watched this DVD yet, but if it's anything like the others, it will involve lots of annoyingly in-shape people doing insanely hard exercises but somehow being relaxed enough to laugh, smoke cigars and play gin rummy.

Also, at the beginning of each video, trainer Tony Horton (who I'm guessing probably has back abs) tells you how simple P90X is if you just "bring it." I assume he means a stunt double to do the actual workout, because under no circumstances have I ever felt like it was simple. There's also a list of what you'll need for each workout. For instance, each DVD will tell you something like: "You will need: a mat, a pull-up bar, a towel, the number for your local hospital, a priest and some water."

But the question most of you probably want to know is, "Are you usually drunk when you write your column?" Wait, no! It's: "Will this program work for me?"

I'm going to say probably not. After all, if you're anything like me, you're out of shape, inherently lazy, and constantly reminded by your wife that you should put a shirt on because your making the neighbors uncomfortable.

But I can tell you this: P90X is the ultimate workout routine for helping you bring it. By which I mean the beer to the couch after you quit in Week 3 because let's face it, who wants back abs?

In retrospect, Bryce Donovan thinks P20X might have been a more reasonable goal. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com. For more, check out his blog "The Bryce is Write" or follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.