Follow these tips; intern, you might get fired

Ah, intern season is upon us. That magical time of year when young, impressionable minds come into the workplace ready and eager to soak up all the wisdom and knowledge they can from veteran employees who, in turn, finally get a chance to share the way they prefer their coffee.

Of course I am only joking. Interns are bright individuals who lend a lot to an office environment, like their small hands, which are great for dealing with paper jams in the copier.

That's why this week I'm going to tell you the right way to deal with your business' interns so that you can get the most out of your time with them.

For instance, you need to know how to ...

Talk to them.

Right now you're saying to yourself, "Bryce, interns are regular people just like me, how complicated can it be to talk to them?"

Which is why I have a column and you're an idiot. Interns aren't people, folks. They're kids. Which means you don't talk to them. You text them, send them a message on Facebook or, if you really need something done quickly, tell them not to do whatever it is you need done (reverse psychology always works like a charm).

Use them for your entertainment.

The workplace often can be a boring place. So spice things up a little bit. For instance, nothing is funnier than finding a co-worker who has naively left their computer unattended and sending out an e-mail to the ENTIRE OFFICE asking if anybody knows a good place to buy Jonas Brothers' memorabilia. How does the intern factor into that, you ask? They're waxing your car while this whole thing was going on.

Avoid them.

Let's face it, sometimes you don't want to be bothered with a million stupid questions like, "Where do I file this report?" "Is it OK if I go out for lunch with some friends?" and "Shouldn't you be wearing pants?"

That's why you need to come up with some code words like "rutabaga" or "here the little nerd comes" to alert one another to the impending presence of an intern so that you can -- being the grown-up that you are -- hide under your desk until they're gone.

Get them to do your work.

When it comes to work, if there's one thing I think we can all agree on it's that we wish it featured a little less work. That's where interns come in. Because they don't know any better and aren't jaded hacks like you and me, they actually care about what they do because they're under the adorable impression that in the real world hard work is somehow rewarded. Take advantage of their naivety and pawn off as many small jobs as possible. But be warned: If you're not careful, they might do a better job than you and make you look bad. Which is why it's really important to know how to ...

Undermine/sabotage them.

Let's be honest: These kids are after our jobs. So why help them succeed? Don't be an idiot here. It might sound cruel, but you need to undercut them in any way possible. One of the easiest ways to make that happen is by telling them about some of the lesser-known office rules, such as:

--How your boss really respects people who come and go as they please.

--The most successful employees seem to be the ones with the nerve to point out what's wrong with everything in the workplace.

--Crazy hat Thursdays.

--Excessive profanity is often the best way to get a client's attention.

--Pants optional Fridays.

So there you have it. The right way to deal with interns. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work. By which I mean see if anybody e-mailed back about that Jonas Brothers' memorabilia.

Bryce Donovan actually dictated this column to an intern while relaxing on QUICK! CALL THE POLICE! Reach Bryce at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com. For more, check out his blog "The Bryce is Write" or follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/brycedonovan.